What if.....?

This 'what if?' has become the biggest question of my life. All thanks to you, bhaiya. What if I had tried harder? What if I had insisted more? What if I had gone on a hunger strike till you gave up alcohol and cigarettes? What if I had insisted that you seek medical help? Would I have been able to save you? 

Well, it's not fair. It's not fair to me, to any of your friends, to your family, to di. It's not fair. Kuch ulta seedha karna hi tha to kuch aisa kiya hota jisse humko taqleef na hoti! Kuch nahi socha na aapne? Kisi ke baare mien nahi? And now? Ab sochte hain kya bhaiya? Ab sochte hain kya, ki aapne shayad meri b'day hamesha ke liye barbaad kar di hai? ki I can never approach this part of the year without crying for you? That this time of the year does not bring happy memories to me anymore? It brings memories of you, it brings back all those regrets, all that pain, all the misery that I have been fighting to forget. And to think that I used to be the girl who took pride in never having any regrets in life. 

I miss you bhaiya.